Since last nite my throat's been giving that call telling kich kich kich...and by today mroning, a full blown viral had set in. So got absolutely no wok done and spent the whole day just dozing in and out of sleep. What a rotten day! The weather is playing tricks with the mind. The mornings are chilly yet afternoons are warm and toasty! And again, evening become equally nippy. I hate this go-between phase between seasons you know. I had a near death experience the other day. Me and sister were off at the market and our cycle rickshaw nearly turned over and I was about to come under a tractor travelling next to us. For a minute, I saw my entire life flash in front of my eyes. And then I saw you. From now on, I will write as if I am writing for you in the hope that maybe one day you will come by and actually see beyond these words of mine. The incidence made me think of death. Death can creep up on us with his silent footsteps...just like my words are silent. It will engulf you in its icy chill and vanish with you in a world which is unknown to everyone and anyone. Just finishes the warmth of life. Makes you wonder doesn't it as to what is it that we are doing cribbing about things so unimportant when faced with the ultimate question no...you know something, if I was to die today, then I want to become your guardian angel and look after you forever. I will remain with you forever. I will look down at you fromt he stars and I will ensure that the smile never fades from your face...I don't want to wait for my life to finish. I want to live my life with you now...is it so important the pain between us? is it so important the fights between us? does the distance between us make any difference? no...the closeness of our emotions I cannot tell...but I know this much that this moment and every moment henceforth I want to live for you. In every passing moment I think of you. Your thoughts torment me. I just hope that in a fraction of a second and in the blink of an eye...I rule your thoughts. That one fraction of a second is enough for me. Mere saath rehna tum hameshaa..hameshaa. Agar bichad gaye tum mujhse to na ji sakenge hum. Nafrat tumhari manjoor hai humko par judai ko na seh sakenge hum. Itni meharbani karna humpe..tumhari parchai banke rahoon hameshaa...itni zidd meri maan lena. In spite of all your hatred I still want to be your angel. I know you don't care...Don't give me the chance to love you throughout your life. but give me the chance to look after you. I will take care of you. Give me all your unhapiness and all your anger and I will absorb all your pains and take them upon myself. But give me the chance to make you smile. I will hold you...I will not let you fall again. I just want to be your shadow...Follow behind you..not with you lest I hurt you again..but please let me follow you. Let me be there to guide you...to not let you fail in life. I have hurt you..I am only human...it was because of my foolishness and the many misunderstandings we had between us. I am the cause why you shed a tear. Please punish me..but don't let go of me. Let me live on as your shadow. Let me live and die like that itself. What is the worth of my life if you are not present in my life...But then...you have chosen to turn away from you. Please jaan...I know you chose to turn away not because you felt that you had to but because you had no choice. I left you with no choice. I feel the pain in your heart...perhaps that is the reason why I am still holding on to you...still walking with you and still waiting for your return. You choose to walk on past me and without me. I have become invisble in your eyes. I will suffer silently in this pain. Because I know that you are hurting too...ask your heart my jaan...am I not correct in what I said? Bahut saari baatein yaad aati hain. Tumne saari yaadein bhula di. Tasveere tumhare dekh deh ke aason chalakte hain...dil ko mein apne kya samjhaon...kaise mein tumko bataoon...all the colors of my life you have taken...please give me back my life...let me live each moment of my life with you...with my heart beating just for you...nothing is impossible. let us start life anew...reflections of a new life will always be there in the mirror just beyond your reach. How am I to reach out and take hold of it I do not know...But please don't let go of me for my mistakes. Punish me, hurt me, as much as you want...just give me the chance to follow as your shadow...I cannot find a valid answer to give you when you ask me why you should give me that last chance...You cannot stop me from loving you. You are the only reason I exist...and you are asking me to let go of my life. To find another reason to love...You have never seen my tears and the pain on my face...the love I have for you...I never wanted to hurt you...it was just easy to hurt you...hurting you and giving you pain reduced my pain by feeling that someone else is also in pain. Now I realize that I only hurted you because even then I loved you so much that you were the only one I could trust enuf and the only one I loved to thrust my pain upon you. It was too selfish of me...I am gathering my strength to wait for you...why should I stop loving you and why should I not feel in the farthest corner of my heart that one day you will come...that one day you will be mine. And anyways, why should you not love me...there are a lot of people out there in this world who break others' heart. Am I so bad that you cannot give me a last chance? Can you not see how much I have changed...Are you blind towards the fact of just how much I love you...even my insecurities and confusion never faltered my love for you. Even when I hurt you, I always cried afterwards...I didn't kill anyone that you are sentencing me to death...My love for you will never falter. This much faith I have in my love...hopefully it will be enuf to make you mine one day...So tell me Gaurav why should I not wait for that day to come..My heart weeps in loneliness and sadness..and asks you every moment, with every breath..."Will you be mine forever"..Birthdays are suppossed to be fun days...the best day of the year. You remeber how much I used to look forward to my bday...but I do not look forward to my bday at all...I am only reflecting on pain and hurt. Someone has to break this chain..don't you think? Nobody wants to be lonely. As much as you want to shut yourself up from the entire world...you cannot shut yourself away from me...I won't let you...You hurt me, I hurt you...and then we forget everything and are back together again...y? 'cos we belong together honey...we honestly do. Nothing feels as right as being with you. Give me my birthday present...you know what I want..please...