A wonderful diwali to everyone in advance as most likely things will get so haywire and busy that I won't find the time to write. Planning to have a wonderful diwali and all other upcoming festivals. Want to make the celebrations a remembrance for them...leave them with very very happy memories. Am planning on telling Gaurav soon perhaps in January...I don't want him to hold it against me forever that I never told him...but am not sure as of yet 'cos I don't think I will be able to bear the fact that he wudn't care...so maybe I will not tell him. Am not sure...nothing much to write today...feel like picking a fight with him today so just avoiding talking to him too much as it would be pointless. I don't have the strentgh to bear to listen to any more hurtful things from him. Its not possible to forget what all he said earlier itself much less add to that baggage no. As it is feeling very much under the weather today. Feeling very sick today...

I had a wonderfully happy day today (touchwud). A day like this which came around into my life after god knows when...even my bday wasn't as nice. I spent the whole day with my darling andddd he cared for me just so much...took care of me, pampered me...and everything..just like he used to be earlier. I felt like crying at first when we met 'cos I feel so unsure of myself around him at first you know..unsure about how he's gng to be towards me...but it was a day etched out and made in heaven itself today...it was the most fun I had in such a long time. Memories I will cherish forever...in the short time I have I really want to live a lifetime of memories and happiness with him. I just wish and pray so much that it will be like this always...I love him so much...just so much :)

I deleted a lot of my previous blog after posting it...why many of you might ask...but it was prolly for the better. I don't want to hurt the ppl I love and those who love me in any way and therefore it was necessary for some truths to be deleted...for the better obviously. My guy going on a trip to someplace in Himachal with his friends...funny he calls me a friend and yet has so many complaints and rules for me..though none for his guy friends. So what does that mean that am I not a friend? I know that I am not...Am also just pretending to be his friend. Love is a lost word from my life now. But its prolly for the better itself you know. I have around 6 more months to pass that should be taken care of pretty nicely no..after all life passes by real easily. My dad's coming back from Korea in December and am really looking forward to it. I guess time will go by really fast then. Till jan/mid feb it will go by in a flash. As it is I only have to wait till at the max May no...shouldn't be a problem :) At least everything will be over then...no more pain and no more pretensions. I will be free as will be he... november end/start of december he will be gone as it is. so he will get refuge from my nagging as well. it will be a nice change for him I guess. As they say in the matrix, love is a word. it is up to us which emotion we associate it with. for me, I have associated love with nothing but pain. Why is it that what we have we never appreciate till we lose it...is it possible to ever get back what we have lost? There are so many things I do not know the answers to. I wish sometimes I had the power to read minds. that ways I would know what he's thinking when he's with me. Do I want to be with him? Not really...I mean physically be with him...it hurts me to be so close to him and realize that he isn't relly there or that if he wasn't with me it wouldn't any god damned difference to him...its ok..just 6 more months to go though...finally I will be at peace...

na janay kab say
umeedain kuch baaki hain
mujhe phir bhi teri yaad
kyun aathi hai
na janay kab say

duur jithna bhi tum mujh se
paas teray mein
ab tho aadat si hai mujh ko aisay jeenay mein
zindagi say koi shikwa
bhi nahin hai
ab tho zinda hoon mein iss neelay aasman mein

chahat aisi hai yeh teri
barr thi ja-ay
aahat aisi hai yeh teri
mujh ko satha-ay
yaadain gehri hain ithnee
dil doob ja-ay
aur aanjhon mein yeh ghum num bun ja-ain
sabhi raatein hain
sabhi baatein hain
bhula do unhay
mita do unhay
ab tho aadat si hai mujh ko ...

my life defined in a song...when this song had released we were still very much together...and u were still in love with me. In spsite of everything...why do I still remember you... am now beginning to be scared of you..everytime we talk I feel that now you will say something thats going to hurt me..everytime I want to say something to you, I think twice and then finally let go of it...becos I am sure that you will prolly say something thats going to hurt me...tell me did I really hurt you this much or are you hurting me more? chahat aesi hai teri badhti jaye...how do I stop loving you...its not possible. If STOP LOVE was a pill I would have gladly taken it and that would have been the end of it all. But its not...I have no control over my heart. I stay away from you, I hardly talk to you, I keep myself busy with work...so much so that I haven't even gotten the time to write in so long...But it never goes...never never goes. its always there...just under the surface...Nothing makes any difference anymore...everytime you say something nice, I feel a rush of joy for five minutes and then your words come back to me...'I don't feel anything when am with you', 'I don't want to go out anywhere with you,' 'i don't love you' 'i don't care about you', 'i read your blog but i din't feel anything'!!! arey don't feel na yaar! god damn you!!!...and there are just so many of them that i can fill up this entire page with them...Your words are killing me slowly and slowly...day by day...neither can i forget you, neither can i stop loving you...and neither can i do anything about it...I have moved on with my life. don't worry about that. I am working, taking care of my family, doing everything...but there's this feeling of emptiness in everything...WHY!!! AM SO FED UP OF THIS! i wish i could stop loving you...i feel like taking my heart out and throwing it someplace where I can never hear it beat your name again...A part of me would die for a look full of love from you...and its dying...a slow and painful death. People say that you emerge from a heart break stronger. But I don't think that's true. You just emerge feelingless...emotionless, empty...an empty hourglass thats how my life has become. I used to love to talk to you...but now I prefer silence...my only resort...my silent words...can you not see the tears that hide behind my smile..can you not feel the pain in my silence...silence of words...an apt title for my blog. I love the silence in my life now. I am growing to enjoy every second of it. Because that's what you have given me...a silent life. you have taken away my happiness and my smile and my chit chats...and left me with silence. No, actually you haven't left me with silence...I have myself left myself in silence. neither can i live like this and neither will you let me die...Except dying in body there's nothing left now. Its like am a zombie you know. Going through the routines of life and stopped caring. Jo hoga theek hai..prolly deserved it. How much have I prayed..just how much...is there no god who is hearing my prayers...no one? See since you stopped loving me, even the gods have turned away from me. This is not true love...true love never dies...the color of the vermillion you gave me never faded...then how did your love? is it that easy? Isnt it said that ture love conquers all? Isn't it said that if you truly love a person you will never leave them? Then why did you tell me you loved me truly and then leave me when I need you the most...I don't have much time left....I didn't take my medicines the whole day today and down with a vvvv bad headache...but the minute I sleep I know that the only thing which will come to haunt me is my silence...for that is all I have now...my silent words..an apt name for my blog really..

It seems funny how one person can make us so happy and make us cry our hearts out at the same time. Its been so long since I have been this happy :) and all because of you...thank you for giving me what has always been mine :) I know things will never be perfect but this I will try to make them as perfect as I possibly can. :) Everything was perfect my darling...from the way you hugged me to the way you kissed me to the way you held me close against you..everything! 'Cos I know our love's just perfect...thank you for making this day so beautiful and for making my life so wonderful. I love you so much that the pain of love is nothing compared to the brief spells of happiness it leaves behind...Am so happy to be so in love with you. This is why I want to spend my lifetime loving you and taking care of you. Its been so long since I have actually even remebered what it felt like to be happy...and see all it took you was just a few seconds to change everything. Thank you for giving me the chance to love you so much and for making me so happy...touchwood :)

What is unconditional love? Wikipedia defines unconditional love as follows:

Unconditional love is a concept that means showing love towards someone regardless of his or her actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. It has also been used in a religious context to describe God's love for mankind.

So do you think its possible for us petty humans to love one another unconditionally? Am here to tell you that its not! Love is all about metamorphosis. A change in people's emotions. You say you loved me unconditionally? But tell me, if that love was so unconditional could it have finished off in just two years? No it couldn't have. Because unconditional love is forever. So does this mean that you had attached conditions to your love? Or should I say that your love was selfish? Neither. 'Cos I know that you loved me unselfishly. But I also know that it was not unconditional...

It seems to me like you so badly want me to go away from your life. Don't worry...all you have to do is just say it once and I will be gone. No fancy words anymore and no tears and no emotional upsets any longer no :) I will just pack my bags and leave. Poof Gone! But tell me will you be able to live after that? Can you imagine a life without me? You say you are worried about me? Why are you worried about me when you say you don't care? Two clashing feelings I would say....Humans...we ourselves do not know what we feel and what we want to feel and what we are suppressing because we think its not good for us.

I don't want to stay in Delhi for my bday or for the upcoming durga puja. Am planning to go away. You worried about that I know :) Don't worry so much about me...You have thrown me out of your life so brutally that your care and worries seem almost funny to me now. Its like I am standing on the sidelines and watching my life go by. Remeber this, that we only get one chance to live each phase of our life. Let it not be that when you look back in your life, you regret even one phase of your life. Or that you wish you could re-live that phase of your life so that you could change things in that phase. Its not possible. A time machine is yet to be invented. So believe in me. Don't be so cruel and act like you cannot see my love for you, that you cannot feel my pain for you.

I know that I hurt you a lot. A total of 912 days prolly....repeatedly! I want to punish myself double that...for 1824 days...though I know that pain cannot be measured in terms of days. Why don't you punish me jana? Punish me all you want but don't go away from me. Don't turn your face from me. I cannot live without you anymore. You made your place in my life. Who told you to love me so much that you finish off all your love during that time itself...and have nothing left to give me when I am asking you for it. Why did you make me love you so much? Its all your fault! ha ha its good to have such thoughts to just give false consolations to my heart right...

§omewhere There'§ §omeone Who Dream§ Of Your §mile,
And Find§ In Your Pre§ence That Life I§ Worth While,
§o When You Are Lonely, Remember It'§ True: §omebody,
§omewhere Is Thinking Of You

Sapno se dil lagane ki aadat nahi rahi,
har waqt muskurane ki aadat nahi rahi,
ye soch ke ki koi manaane nahi aayega,
ab hume rooth jaane ki aadat nahi rahi .....

Since last nite my throat's been giving that call telling kich kich kich...and by today mroning, a full blown viral had set in. So got absolutely no wok done and spent the whole day just dozing in and out of sleep. What a rotten day! The weather is playing tricks with the mind. The mornings are chilly yet afternoons are warm and toasty! And again, evening become equally nippy. I hate this go-between phase between seasons you know. I had a near death experience the other day. Me and sister were off at the market and our cycle rickshaw nearly turned over and I was about to come under a tractor travelling next to us. For a minute, I saw my entire life flash in front of my eyes. And then I saw you. From now on, I will write as if I am writing for you in the hope that maybe one day you will come by and actually see beyond these words of mine. The incidence made me think of death. Death can creep up on us with his silent footsteps...just like my words are silent. It will engulf you in its icy chill and vanish with you in a world which is unknown to everyone and anyone. Just finishes the warmth of life. Makes you wonder doesn't it as to what is it that we are doing cribbing about things so unimportant when faced with the ultimate question no...you know something, if I was to die today, then I want to become your guardian angel and look after you forever. I will remain with you forever. I will look down at you fromt he stars and I will ensure that the smile never fades from your face...I don't want to wait for my life to finish. I want to live my life with you now...is it so important the pain between us? is it so important the fights between us? does the distance between us make any difference? no...the closeness of our emotions I cannot tell...but I know this much that this moment and every moment henceforth I want to live for you. In every passing moment I think of you. Your thoughts torment me. I just hope that in a fraction of a second and in the blink of an eye...I rule your thoughts. That one fraction of a second is enough for me. Mere saath rehna tum hameshaa..hameshaa. Agar bichad gaye tum mujhse to na ji sakenge hum. Nafrat tumhari manjoor hai humko par judai ko na seh sakenge hum. Itni meharbani karna humpe..tumhari parchai banke rahoon hameshaa...itni zidd meri maan lena. In spite of all your hatred I still want to be your angel. I know you don't care...Don't give me the chance to love you throughout your life. but give me the chance to look after you. I will take care of you. Give me all your unhapiness and all your anger and I will absorb all your pains and take them upon myself. But give me the chance to make you smile. I will hold you...I will not let you fall again. I just want to be your shadow...Follow behind you..not with you lest I hurt you again..but please let me follow you. Let me be there to guide you...to not let you fail in life. I have hurt you..I am only human...it was because of my foolishness and the many misunderstandings we had between us. I am the cause why you shed a tear. Please punish me..but don't let go of me. Let me live on as your shadow. Let me live and die like that itself. What is the worth of my life if you are not present in my life...But then...you have chosen to turn away from you. Please jaan...I know you chose to turn away not because you felt that you had to but because you had no choice. I left you with no choice. I feel the pain in your heart...perhaps that is the reason why I am still holding on to you...still walking with you and still waiting for your return. You choose to walk on past me and without me. I have become invisble in your eyes. I will suffer silently in this pain. Because I know that you are hurting too...ask your heart my jaan...am I not correct in what I said? Bahut saari baatein yaad aati hain. Tumne saari yaadein bhula di. Tasveere tumhare dekh deh ke aason chalakte hain...dil ko mein apne kya samjhaon...kaise mein tumko bataoon...all the colors of my life you have taken...please give me back my life...let me live each moment of my life with you...with my heart beating just for you...nothing is impossible. let us start life anew...reflections of a new life will always be there in the mirror just beyond your reach. How am I to reach out and take hold of it I do not know...But please don't let go of me for my mistakes. Punish me, hurt me, as much as you want...just give me the chance to follow as your shadow...I cannot find a valid answer to give you when you ask me why you should give me that last chance...You cannot stop me from loving you. You are the only reason I exist...and you are asking me to let go of my life. To find another reason to love...You have never seen my tears and the pain on my face...the love I have for you...I never wanted to hurt you...it was just easy to hurt you...hurting you and giving you pain reduced my pain by feeling that someone else is also in pain. Now I realize that I only hurted you because even then I loved you so much that you were the only one I could trust enuf and the only one I loved to thrust my pain upon you. It was too selfish of me...I am gathering my strength to wait for you...why should I stop loving you and why should I not feel in the farthest corner of my heart that one day you will come...that one day you will be mine. And anyways, why should you not love me...there are a lot of people out there in this world who break others' heart. Am I so bad that you cannot give me a last chance? Can you not see how much I have changed...Are you blind towards the fact of just how much I love you...even my insecurities and confusion never faltered my love for you. Even when I hurt you, I always cried afterwards...I didn't kill anyone that you are sentencing me to death...My love for you will never falter. This much faith I have in my love...hopefully it will be enuf to make you mine one day...So tell me Gaurav why should I not wait for that day to come..My heart weeps in loneliness and sadness..and asks you every moment, with every breath..."Will you be mine forever"..Birthdays are suppossed to be fun days...the best day of the year. You remeber how much I used to look forward to my bday...but I do not look forward to my bday at all...I am only reflecting on pain and hurt. Someone has to break this chain..don't you think? Nobody wants to be lonely. As much as you want to shut yourself up from the entire world...you cannot shut yourself away from me...I won't let you...You hurt me, I hurt you...and then we forget everything and are back together again...y? 'cos we belong together honey...we honestly do. Nothing feels as right as being with you. Give me my birthday present...you know what I want..please...

I wrote this post earlier. But then changed my mind about it. So forget it! I cudn't figure out however, how to delete this. So am just leaving this as is.

Radha Krishna's Unconditional Love

Hi Adding a story from Sandhya Suri's Blog. Its a very beautiful story...

Here is a story about lord Krishna that will tell us what true love is about.

Krishna, while living in Dwarka with his favourite wife Rukmani, would
very Often softly utter to himself, "O Radha… O Radha"

Rukmani felt jealous and asked him why he kept Remembering Radha so
often. Krishna did not say Anything. He just smiled.

A few days later, Krishna complained of stomach Ache. Rukmani gave him
medicines, but the pain did not Go away. He kept moaning in pain.

Krishna told her that only a little charanamrita (blessed water) of a
person who truly loved him would Put an end to his agony. He begged
Rukmani to give him some of her charanamrita

A shocked Rukmani refused: "How can I commit such a terrible sin? You
are the Lord of all that be, and if I gave you my charanamrita I would
surely go to hell.

Krishna than asked Rukmani to send an attendant to Vrindavan and try
and procure some charanamrita from Someone there. Soon the attendant
returned with a Cupful of charanamrita and as Krishna sipped it, all
The pain disappeared.

He then asked the attendant, "Who gave you this Charanamrita the
attendant replied, "no one in Vrindavan was ready to give it on
learning it was for Lord Krishna.

Then one young woman came running up to Me and gave me this cup. Her
companions cautioned her, "You fool Radha, you are committing the
greatest sin. But she did not care. She said, "I don't care about What
happens to me but I cannot bear to see my beloved Krishna in pain."

Krishna turned to rukmani standing by his side and Said, "Radha is not
afraid of going to hell for me. She only thinks about me.

So if Radha loves me so Much, should I also not long for her?